Let the "Weak" Say I Am Strong

I was once told that women are especially prone to blame themselves when their relationships with their loved ones came to an end. It is because as girls, they were socialised to pay more attention on building close relationships with people - a feminine trait that shall distinguish themselves from men.

This article is for those, men and women, who have experienced a broken heart, for they have willingly opened their heart for love in the first place. I personally think that a long-lasting relationship which is based on an everlasting love (moreover, those relationships who have been firmed through formal, legal commitment) is a blessing; for love is "inherently fickle and capricious" indeed.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-juicy-bits/201108/why-failed-relationship-isnt-personal-failure

Jour de l'Action de grâce!

Psychological & Counseling Practices: Exercising Client's Personal Freedom/Free-Will

It seems to me that a very great deal of one's well-being is determined by how much personal freedom one exercises, that includes how much one accepts the way they exist in this world (with one's gender, ethnicity, status, etc). A philosopher once pointed out the importance of living by one's own subjectivity, getting in touch with one's own point of view in making decisions so that they can have the ability to take responsibilities of whatever decisions they have made, and thus becoming a moral person. While it is a matter of fact that one cannot have it all, one must live in accordance to the way they have already decided to live, with what they can have and they cannot have. 

Some people, however, may have already been content automatically with themselves, regardless how much control they feel they have over their choices, for example for embracing the fact that oppression is inevitable and by surrendering to a greater Being to find justification of their condition. Though I personally believe that to some extent they will somehow express their need to exercise their free will, it is of great benefit for everyone's well-being to do so. By this I mean they will become happier of the present and optimistic about the future; by this it means they will give positive energy to their environment which can be felt especially to the people around them. After all somehow it is easy for one to spot a company who is not happy even though he or she is not being grumpy, simply by the feeling that it is not comfortable being around him/her. My idea of free will then, despite its necessity for the society (philosophically speaking), it is also a necessity to one's sense of well-being. It is basically a good human gift.

Perhaps it is reasonable then to regard a certain approach in psychotherapy and counseling, which is the humanistic approach, a very beneficial discovery in the field of mental health. While striving to become a practitioner I have come to experts in the field as clients, finding that  it was that kind of feeling I wanted to experience after the session - finding that despite the oppression I have received from certain powerful figure, despite the great tension I have felt from it, I would always have a choice; that I could choose whether to fall under it or make my own destiny. This, however, includes the necessity for me to accept both choices' costs, and benefits. Sometimes one has to make choices that are hard to make; choices that are limited by time, space, and other circumstances which are simply inevitable. Therefore it is crucial to weigh every options and determines what is best to choose, and it is not easy especially when things like time constraints in decision-making process become part of the limitations one should count. Even though the one's final decision is to go with the oppression, feeling that such decision is made by full awareness and as a result of exercising one's free will to do so may make one feels a lot different then when the decision was made without it. The process remains different when the result is still the same. Yet, especially if the decision is a hard one, one may show different behaviors once the decision was made and one has to live by it.

Conflict of interests have always become the problem of men since ancient civilization. In fact the postmodernism view which is adopted today is based on the recognition that reality is actually a subjective matter; everybody sees things their own way, sometimes this relates to the interests they have. Even during psychotherapy and counselling sessions, professional practitioners may have already a concept in their mind on the best choice the client should take; yet, making the client feel free to choose is important so that they make the choices at least not in a negative light, for they have the chance to exercise their free will. What a practitioner can do perhaps pointing out the consequences to each option of choice that is available, and letting the client decide which option he/she would prefer to take. 

The Practitioner-Client Relation Problem

One careful note however, must be made in relation to the relationship between the practitioner or client, which is of course more related to the characteristic of the client and not the practitioner, since it is the practitioner's job to understand and assess the client, not the other way around. I am very well aware that while some people may benefit from exercising their free will while making their choices, some may not, for they regard the practitioner as more like an authority figure - a figure from whom they expect to find enlightenment in terms of the best decision they should take without caring pretty much about the arguments that based such decision. In other words, providing more options or giving a lot of freedom would lead to confusion instead of positive feelings from being able to exercise their free will. Instead of putting themselves as the center of the relation, these people put the practitioner in that position. What they expect to do is listen and follow; not listen, reflect, and decide. 

Some colleagues have asked me about whether a practitioner is allowed to give suggestions to clients (in terms of directing the client). Honestly since I have not done any clinical training (for the record, I base this writing based on my experience as a client and reader) I cannot give any certain answer to that. But I believe that in every action that one takes, one should have pretty good arguments that makes it reasonable. In this case, I guess what I can say is that whether or not a practitioner should give suggestions to the clients depends on the characteristic of the clients. I have already articulated the reason behind this. In addition, this is also supported by some references [1, 2] I have read about how culture affects the way a counseling and psychological intervention should be carried out and putting it to a smaller scope, which is the relationship between the counselor and the client; some cultures prefer therapy and counselling that involves reflection with placing their selves at the center of the therapy/counseling process (e.g. psychodynamic approach, humanistic approach), while others prefer a more structured and directed approach, placing the practitioner at the center of the process. Therefore client assessment during the first minutes of encounter plays a great role in choosing the best approach to deal with the client. While it is inevitable for the practitioner to start by looking at the client's cultural background from the data available (e.g. ethnicity and nationality), it does not necessarily give a reliable information: the degree to how much a person confirms to such culture should be assessed too. Globalization is a phenomenon that impacts every human being in every country, therefore it is not surprising to find westernized individuals in East or Southeast Asia, or the other way around. While some people, regardless of their ethnicity and nationality, may feel that being directed is annoying, others may benefit a lot from it and perhaps even expected it. On the other hand, perhaps what some need is the belief that they have control over their own choices, and they will feel happier that way.

Finally, the problem I have put forward is limited to the issue of how much a self-focused psychological and/or counselling practice should be carried out in relation to practitioner-client relationship and the culture the client has adopted, not whether or not exercising personal freedom or free-will is of necessity and is a need of individuals who adopt one culture and not the others. I myself believe that the latter is a universal phenomenon; an individual may exercise personal freedom with full awareness or not. Thus, regarding this I agree with Kierkegaard's view of an individual who embraces their whole existence as a human being. While one can experience a lot of tension of all the rules and regulations to which they must obey, others  may not, because they have embraced the rules and regulations and chose to obey them as part of their individual existence.

Note: Move cursor to the image to see the image source.

"I CAN Live Without You."

People in love often say "I can't live without you", but life is never in our full control that sometimes leaving someone we love, or being left by someone we love is inevitable. Words matter and what we say to our partner, or our own self give us and our partner suggestion on how to react and respond if such situations happen. Saying "I can't live without you" can be perceived in a positive way, for example a deep attachment to the loved partner, but it also suggests the idea of dependence that may make the leaving partner feel guilty, in addition to the sadness that they may have already felt with their decision to leave. Such guilt may or may not become related to his/her own sense of self (e.g. feeling that one is an irresponsible person), although perhaps the person who said that did not mean for it to be that way. But one can never tell what these words may lead to.

On the other hand, for the person who said so, while those can be perceived as an expression of love, if they were taken seriously, those words can also indicate that he or she is vulnerable, psychologically speaking. What I learned from psychology classes is that a healthy relationship comes from the union between two independent individuals; not two dependent individuals. Of course, having a partner can be a boost to self-esteem but it should not be considered as a channel to enhance one's self-esteem in the first place. Check out this video of one of the most prominent figure in developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, Erik Erikson, talking about intimacy vs. isolation, the common crisis faced by young adults which is related to intimate relationship:

As shown in the video, in healthy intimate relationships people fuse their identity with somebody else's, without fear of losing themselves, but also not because they want to find their identity in somebody else. In order for a relationship to be healthy one should be comfortable in it, and by being comfortable it means that one can express themselves freely. The problem of trying to find one's identity in somebody else is that one can never be oneself and therefore cannot function well in the relationship, because there never was a firm self to begin with. I guess people like that will be pretty difficult to understand, but one thing that is clear is that they will get depressed as soon as the partner removes him/herself from their side.

Of course, losing someone that we love is very heartbreaking; I've been through that a few times, but then it is a solid fact that life does not stop, and should not stop, there. It is the moment where the firmness of our identity is challenged, and it can be determined by what we say about it. In this case, "I can't live without you", if put seriously, is a bad response, whether the cause of the separation is in the couple's control or out of it (e.g. death). While the latter can make a profound impact on the succession of the grieving process, the first relates to the success of the relationship itself. A relationship should make people feel good about themselves, and by generating guilt toward one's partner from saying so means that one has made another feel bad about themselves. "No one stays in love by chance, but by work", so in order for a relationship to work one has to work it out, and by working it out it means one must have already the willingness to do so. So basically the relationship itself is about choice; a choice to be in the relationship and to stay in it; it is about whether one wants to be, not one supposed to be. It is not that one can't live without the other, but that one don't want to live without the other. There is a crucial difference between the two: while the first may show how one demands the other to stay as an obligation, the latter show how one wants the other to stay if the other wants to stay too - giving the other a freedom to choose with nothing to lose. It is therefore a mature expression of love, where one can give and take willingly, not forcefully.

Nobody likes to be forced. When we were being forced to obey some rules during our childhood period it is because it's the only way for us to behave safely, for our brain is still too young to understand why things work around us. But when we are adults, aren't we supposed to take responsibilities on our own selves and take care of it? That is why negative responses can be given to "I can't live without you"; it is an inappropriate beg; a beg that perhaps can only be given appropriately to parents by their children and thus making it a childish beg. Clearly, healthy romantic relationships should be equal so no burden is felt between the couple; both partners take responsibility toward themselves as well as taking care of each other. In this kind of relationship, both can live without each other; only that they don't want to.

"I can live without you. I just don't want to." --Jennifer Aniston in Rumor Has It (2005 film)

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New Year, New Life Chapter

I just realized that I actually missed this year's New Year moments due to one hell of preparation for my comprehensive exam to earn my bachelor's degree, and I have been busy ever since until last Saturday's graduation ceremony; this last event closed the semester while at the same time opened a new one. The realization came after I watched this movie called New Year's Eve (2011 film) on TV. Of course, 2012 is special to me. Lots of things happened, just like every year, but not each year I could say that lots of new things happened. There are too much of these new things, I'd say, and that is why a single post would not cover all of them. Instead, I guess it would be best to deliver them through individual post with a certain theme; a post which contains my ideas that surely came from the experiences I had in life, including those from 2012. For this post, I think it is better to talk about the future instead; focuses on what to do as another year has passed and a new chapter of life has begun. I would like to speak my mind this time not by my own words, because I found the words that have already existed, on which they would do it well:


"... before we pop the champagne and celebrate the New Year,
... stop and reflect on the year that has gone by.
... Remember both our triumphs and our missteps,
our promises made and broken. 
...The times we opened ourselves up to great adventure,
or close ourselves down for fear of getting hurt.
[be]cause that's what New Year's all about: getting another chance,
the chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, and to love more.
And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what will be. 
... Let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other.
And not just tonight, but all year long."

-Claire Morgan from "New Year's Eve"

When I remember the year 2012, I remember that:
I had things that I regret and I had things that made me proud of myself.
While I know I have people who love me and still keep them, I met new* people who care for me, and whom I also love and care about.
I hurt people and I felt guilty; I admitted my mistake and I apologized, while I realized forgiveness does not come easy. I was hurt and I tried my best to forgive.
I made a fool of myself and I felt shame; but I was glad there are people who understand and never look down on me because of that. When this happened to one of them, I tried my best to do the same.
I wanted to keep things as they are, but sometimes I have to let some of them go. I wanted change and to change, but some things can never be changed.
Painful memories will not fade, but sweet memories are the ones I will always remember and cherish as life goes on.

Character That Accompanies Reason: Observation of "Intelligent" People

 "So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do."

 -Benjamin Franklin

I have always admired those people whom the society labeled as "intelligent"; on the way they think, the way they make sense of things, their reactions to certain issues, their interesting humor, and the way they brought themselves to the society itself. They are respected; people want to learn things from them. However, based on what I have observed from them, it is not their intelligence (by "intelligence" I am referring to their capacity to deal with abstract ideas, as it is usually understood by the general public) that makes the difference, but instead it is their character; their characteristic moral attitudes, values, and social attitudes. Of course this doesn't mean their capacity to think and reason about ideas does not matter. It is a prerequisite, but it is far from enough. These people won't be able to deal with abstract ideas without their willingness to engage in such activity in the first place. It is more of a matter of their beliefs about what is good and what is bad, and what is important or not important; engaging in intellectual  thoughts are considered good and important for them. This moral attitude drives these people to inquire knowledge, open to new experiences that may challenge their thoughts, reflect, and learn. In other words, it is all a matter of choice. They can choose to change their attitude and not to care; they can choose to become somebody else; anytime, anywhere (as long as they have the chance to do so). After all, even engaging in intellectual matter requires energy; and it is also a matter of choice for people on what to do with the time and energy they have.

Social attitudes are also of an important matter. Humans are social creatures, and what these "intelligent" people think about the social world influence every aspect of personal attributes they have. Do they have the willingness to share their thoughts with other people, or just keep them to themselves? A willingness to interact with other people regarding their own thoughts opens the door to new ideas that may challenge their own; thus, making sure if their ideas make sense to other people. These new ideas may point out flaws in the way they think, validate it, or giving new insights to the people who receive them. Regarding this though, I think one has to be really careful in choosing the people who he or she is willing to engage in a conversation related to their thoughts; for not all people are willing to do so as well. 

I think all these intelligent people have one important quality that makes them survive as they are: a big heart. They are prepared to take all criticisms and perhaps personal attacks from the society for their ideas. Instead of bringing these clever people down, these attacks either 1) give them the clue that it is pointless to talk about such things to these people, therefore it is a sign to be silent instead, if the goal is to get along with them, or 2) another knowledge about what other people think or react about a certain matter; this knowledge can be used to evaluate their own thoughts, or to understand the characteristics of the people who cannot take their ideas. I wanted to say that they have a sense of self-worth and confidence that they do not let others let them down.

Some people have bad experiences in their social life (e.g. victim of bullying, abuse, etc), and those bad experiences surely modified their social attitudes if these experiences happen when they do not have full control of themselves (when they're still a child; because normally human brains become fully matured at the age of 18). A damaged sense of self makes it difficult for these people to cope with criticisms and personal attacks, and therefore they need to learn to know, love, and respect themselves at first. From this, comes the strength to defend their own self; a strength that simply comes from the belief that "I am a worthy individual, I have the potential, and I can be in this world." The world is never kind enough to let one realize all one's potentials, and even it is so, one can still make a difference. That is why I believe that no matter who we are, no matter what we do, one has its place in this world for a good reason. Regarding this, sometimes the beliefs about God, heaven, and hell for no reason at all help people to survive this world. Still, it is ideal to really make sense on such beliefs; to reason about them and go deep under them. These beliefs are not just illusion by the way; they are a real phenomenon. I guess, it is ideal to never take anything for granted (This is also one characteristic that I have observed from those people who are considered intelligent). Label something stupid when one has made the effort to find out about it and reason about it and found out it is illogical, for sometimes we learn that something is stupid because people or books told us so, with not enough arguments provided. One amazing thing about humans capacity to think and reason is that it even inquires up to the point that the capacity of reason itself is limited:

"The last step of reason is the recognition that there are infinite number of things which are beyond it."

-Blaise Pascal

Yet, one cannot say that because of this "ugly fact" one should give up reasoning. Even if Benjamin Franklin points out how convenient and wonderful it is to have the capacity of reason, he doesn't say it is perfect; the fact that such capacity is limited is simply a fact that one has to take, just as one has to take that he or she was born male/female, that has the ethnicity of minority in the country, or that the earth is not flat.This then, explains another remarkable attitude for those people who are considered intelligent: They are humble. Their intelligence may boost their self-esteem, but they do not think that they are the only ones to have such thing. even if they are the only ones; for another fact is that every human has its own strengths and weaknesses, that is why they need each other. They embrace all of these facts, no matter how good and ugly they are, just as they embrace their own selves.

Finally, I am not saying that such "intelligent" people will always be "intelligent", for as humans we are life-long learners, especially because we are so small and the world is so big. Such people can break down sometimes and may show some inappropriate or unintelligent behaviors, but they will become the way they are used to be known once they embrace the experiences that make them broken. Come to think of it, I think being aware of this might also be an important attribute for them to say the way they are. But well, some things are easier said than done. There are those experiences in life that we (somehow) just have to go through; those that perhaps we don't have the capacity or energy to think about before, or maybe we are just too stubborn and curious that we purposely place ourselves on them (well, for the latter I think as long as we take responsibilities of what we chose to do it is all right). Regarding this, I personally think that this what makes life interesting. Imagine if we had full control on our lives; maybe the word "surprise", "curiosity", and perhaps "fun" wouldn't exist.

Note: For image source see image properties

The Art of Reading Art

The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the art is art's aim.

Thought and language are to the artists instruments of an art.
Vice and virtue are to the artist materials of an art.
All art is at once surface and symbol.

Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.
Those who read the symbol do so at their peril.

The Rorscharch Test

It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors."

 -Oscar Wilde, from Preface of "The Picture of Dorian Gray"