Me Against Me vs. Me Against You... and Everybody Else

It is human nature to compare, but do you know that how we compare makes a big difference in the outcome of our behavior tendencies?

How We Compare #1: Me Against You... and Everybody Else

When we compare ourselves with others there is this sense of competition with 'making others lose' as the objective. It is as if one shall live because the other is gone, or basically both cannot win together... somebody has to lose. And in organization (as we know it) there is no such thing as winning alone. Everybody counts. Everything that you do shall make an impact to others like links in a chain, and everything that you do depends on others as well.

How We Compare #2: Me Against Me

I am in competition with no one.

I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone.

I am simply trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.

That's me and I am free.

On the other hand, see what happens when we compare ourselves with ourselves.

We are stretching yourselves beyond what we previously were. Our target is going beyond our previous achievement. That way, we are growing and stay motivated in every situation; not just because there are other people exist besides us. We are growing independently. Thus in a situation where others challenge us, it is not that we need to challenge back by making them withdraw their challenge, but by taking such challenge for our individual growth.. no matter how resenting it might be. In other words, we take others as opportunities to bring the best in us. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." If everybody in an organization does the same way, everybody grows together; nobody is left behind and nobody has to lose. If all the iron links in a chain get stronger together, then the chain gets stronger as well.

See the big difference?

Let the "Weak" Say I Am Strong

I was once told that women are especially prone to blame themselves when their relationships with their loved ones came to an end. It is because as girls, they were socialised to pay more attention on building close relationships with people - a feminine trait that shall distinguish themselves from men.

This article is for those, men and women, who have experienced a broken heart, for they have willingly opened their heart for love in the first place. I personally think that a long-lasting relationship which is based on an everlasting love (moreover, those relationships who have been firmed through formal, legal commitment) is a blessing; for love is "inherently fickle and capricious" indeed.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-juicy-bits/201108/why-failed-relationship-isnt-personal-failure

Psychological & Counseling Practices: Exercising Client's Personal Freedom/Free-Will

It seems to me that a very great deal of one's well-being is determined by how much personal freedom one exercises, that includes how much one accepts the way they exist in this world (with one's gender, ethnicity, status, etc). A philosopher once pointed out the importance of living by one's own subjectivity, getting in touch with one's own point of view in making decisions so that they can have the ability to take responsibilities of whatever decisions they have made, and thus becoming a moral person. While it is a matter of fact that one cannot have it all, one must live in accordance to the way they have already decided to live, with what they can have and they cannot have. 

Some people, however, may have already been content automatically with themselves, regardless how much control they feel they have over their choices, for example for embracing the fact that oppression is inevitable and by surrendering to a greater Being to find justification of their condition. Though I personally believe that to some extent they will somehow express their need to exercise their free will, it is of great benefit for everyone's well-being to do so. By this I mean they will become happier of the present and optimistic about the future; by this it means they will give positive energy to their environment which can be felt especially to the people around them. After all somehow it is easy for one to spot a company who is not happy even though he or she is not being grumpy, simply by the feeling that it is not comfortable being around him/her. My idea of free will then, despite its necessity for the society (philosophically speaking), it is also a necessity to one's sense of well-being. It is basically a good human gift.

Perhaps it is reasonable then to regard a certain approach in psychotherapy and counseling, which is the humanistic approach, a very beneficial discovery in the field of mental health. While striving to become a practitioner I have come to experts in the field as clients, finding that  it was that kind of feeling I wanted to experience after the session - finding that despite the oppression I have received from certain powerful figure, despite the great tension I have felt from it, I would always have a choice; that I could choose whether to fall under it or make my own destiny. This, however, includes the necessity for me to accept both choices' costs, and benefits. Sometimes one has to make choices that are hard to make; choices that are limited by time, space, and other circumstances which are simply inevitable. Therefore it is crucial to weigh every options and determines what is best to choose, and it is not easy especially when things like time constraints in decision-making process become part of the limitations one should count. Even though the one's final decision is to go with the oppression, feeling that such decision is made by full awareness and as a result of exercising one's free will to do so may make one feels a lot different then when the decision was made without it. The process remains different when the result is still the same. Yet, especially if the decision is a hard one, one may show different behaviors once the decision was made and one has to live by it.

Conflict of interests have always become the problem of men since ancient civilization. In fact the postmodernism view which is adopted today is based on the recognition that reality is actually a subjective matter; everybody sees things their own way, sometimes this relates to the interests they have. Even during psychotherapy and counselling sessions, professional practitioners may have already a concept in their mind on the best choice the client should take; yet, making the client feel free to choose is important so that they make the choices at least not in a negative light, for they have the chance to exercise their free will. What a practitioner can do perhaps pointing out the consequences to each option of choice that is available, and letting the client decide which option he/she would prefer to take. 

The Practitioner-Client Relation Problem

One careful note however, must be made in relation to the relationship between the practitioner or client, which is of course more related to the characteristic of the client and not the practitioner, since it is the practitioner's job to understand and assess the client, not the other way around. I am very well aware that while some people may benefit from exercising their free will while making their choices, some may not, for they regard the practitioner as more like an authority figure - a figure from whom they expect to find enlightenment in terms of the best decision they should take without caring pretty much about the arguments that based such decision. In other words, providing more options or giving a lot of freedom would lead to confusion instead of positive feelings from being able to exercise their free will. Instead of putting themselves as the center of the relation, these people put the practitioner in that position. What they expect to do is listen and follow; not listen, reflect, and decide. 

Some colleagues have asked me about whether a practitioner is allowed to give suggestions to clients (in terms of directing the client). Honestly since I have not done any clinical training (for the record, I base this writing based on my experience as a client and reader) I cannot give any certain answer to that. But I believe that in every action that one takes, one should have pretty good arguments that makes it reasonable. In this case, I guess what I can say is that whether or not a practitioner should give suggestions to the clients depends on the characteristic of the clients. I have already articulated the reason behind this. In addition, this is also supported by some references [1, 2] I have read about how culture affects the way a counseling and psychological intervention should be carried out and putting it to a smaller scope, which is the relationship between the counselor and the client; some cultures prefer therapy and counselling that involves reflection with placing their selves at the center of the therapy/counseling process (e.g. psychodynamic approach, humanistic approach), while others prefer a more structured and directed approach, placing the practitioner at the center of the process. Therefore client assessment during the first minutes of encounter plays a great role in choosing the best approach to deal with the client. While it is inevitable for the practitioner to start by looking at the client's cultural background from the data available (e.g. ethnicity and nationality), it does not necessarily give a reliable information: the degree to how much a person confirms to such culture should be assessed too. Globalization is a phenomenon that impacts every human being in every country, therefore it is not surprising to find westernized individuals in East or Southeast Asia, or the other way around. While some people, regardless of their ethnicity and nationality, may feel that being directed is annoying, others may benefit a lot from it and perhaps even expected it. On the other hand, perhaps what some need is the belief that they have control over their own choices, and they will feel happier that way.

Finally, the problem I have put forward is limited to the issue of how much a self-focused psychological and/or counselling practice should be carried out in relation to practitioner-client relationship and the culture the client has adopted, not whether or not exercising personal freedom or free-will is of necessity and is a need of individuals who adopt one culture and not the others. I myself believe that the latter is a universal phenomenon; an individual may exercise personal freedom with full awareness or not. Thus, regarding this I agree with Kierkegaard's view of an individual who embraces their whole existence as a human being. While one can experience a lot of tension of all the rules and regulations to which they must obey, others  may not, because they have embraced the rules and regulations and chose to obey them as part of their individual existence.

Note: Move cursor to the image to see the image source.

"I CAN Live Without You."

People in love often say "I can't live without you", but life is never in our full control that sometimes leaving someone we love, or being left by someone we love is inevitable. Words matter and what we say to our partner, or our own self give us and our partner suggestion on how to react and respond if such situations happen. Saying "I can't live without you" can be perceived in a positive way, for example a deep attachment to the loved partner, but it also suggests the idea of dependence that may make the leaving partner feel guilty, in addition to the sadness that they may have already felt with their decision to leave. Such guilt may or may not become related to his/her own sense of self (e.g. feeling that one is an irresponsible person), although perhaps the person who said that did not mean for it to be that way. But one can never tell what these words may lead to.

On the other hand, for the person who said so, while those can be perceived as an expression of love, if they were taken seriously, those words can also indicate that he or she is vulnerable, psychologically speaking. What I learned from psychology classes is that a healthy relationship comes from the union between two independent individuals; not two dependent individuals. Of course, having a partner can be a boost to self-esteem but it should not be considered as a channel to enhance one's self-esteem in the first place. Check out this video of one of the most prominent figure in developmental psychology and psychoanalysis, Erik Erikson, talking about intimacy vs. isolation, the common crisis faced by young adults which is related to intimate relationship:

As shown in the video, in healthy intimate relationships people fuse their identity with somebody else's, without fear of losing themselves, but also not because they want to find their identity in somebody else. In order for a relationship to be healthy one should be comfortable in it, and by being comfortable it means that one can express themselves freely. The problem of trying to find one's identity in somebody else is that one can never be oneself and therefore cannot function well in the relationship, because there never was a firm self to begin with. I guess people like that will be pretty difficult to understand, but one thing that is clear is that they will get depressed as soon as the partner removes him/herself from their side.

Of course, losing someone that we love is very heartbreaking; I've been through that a few times, but then it is a solid fact that life does not stop, and should not stop, there. It is the moment where the firmness of our identity is challenged, and it can be determined by what we say about it. In this case, "I can't live without you", if put seriously, is a bad response, whether the cause of the separation is in the couple's control or out of it (e.g. death). While the latter can make a profound impact on the succession of the grieving process, the first relates to the success of the relationship itself. A relationship should make people feel good about themselves, and by generating guilt toward one's partner from saying so means that one has made another feel bad about themselves. "No one stays in love by chance, but by work", so in order for a relationship to work one has to work it out, and by working it out it means one must have already the willingness to do so. So basically the relationship itself is about choice; a choice to be in the relationship and to stay in it; it is about whether one wants to be, not one supposed to be. It is not that one can't live without the other, but that one don't want to live without the other. There is a crucial difference between the two: while the first may show how one demands the other to stay as an obligation, the latter show how one wants the other to stay if the other wants to stay too - giving the other a freedom to choose with nothing to lose. It is therefore a mature expression of love, where one can give and take willingly, not forcefully.

Nobody likes to be forced. When we were being forced to obey some rules during our childhood period it is because it's the only way for us to behave safely, for our brain is still too young to understand why things work around us. But when we are adults, aren't we supposed to take responsibilities on our own selves and take care of it? That is why negative responses can be given to "I can't live without you"; it is an inappropriate beg; a beg that perhaps can only be given appropriately to parents by their children and thus making it a childish beg. Clearly, healthy romantic relationships should be equal so no burden is felt between the couple; both partners take responsibility toward themselves as well as taking care of each other. In this kind of relationship, both can live without each other; only that they don't want to.

"I can live without you. I just don't want to." --Jennifer Aniston in Rumor Has It (2005 film)

Note: Move cursor to the image to see the image source.

What Psychology Has Taught Me

Being the main issue at the moment this blog is created (I just earned my Bachelor of Psychology degree), I believe this topic would be suitable to be written as my first post for this blog. I decided to create a new blog as I felt that my ability to write in English has improved, and also as I have begun to pay attention on my own writing. Several external contributions played a huge part for the latter, but with all due respect to all of them I will mention only one, which is the final test I have to take in order to earn my bachelor of psychology degree: the undergraduate thesis and comprehensive exam to defend it. I give thanks to my comprehensive examiners who have brought me to realize the importance to pay a very close attention to it; from diction to the consistency of argument and ideas throughout the writing. I am well aware that it is still a long way for me to be able to meet their expectations and also several expectations other than writing that I believe also exist; much longer to meet those that are higher. This only proves how much I need guidance in order to improve myself. Therefore I feel thankful for all the guidance and valuable lessons I had throughout the past four years because all of that has made me to become a better, more capable person.

When I first came to psychology all I could think about was the fact that I have the capacity to learn and make achievements out of it. I believe that I have finally come to learn something that is understandable, comprehensible, and because of that, valuable. This belief gave me comfort and assurance that I am a capable learner at that moment. Perhaps this belief stems from the fact that I actually never got anything valuable from what I learned in high school. This fact was a very terrifying fact that unconsciously I chose to cover it by making good marks out of everything I learned. Being able to get good marks, even though it was mostly by chance, gave me a certain kind of assurance that at least there was something I could get from all of these subjects in school I actually never understood well. It turns out that I never understood whatever high school has taught me. Of course, I cannot say all of my friends who also attended that school felt the same way too; there are a lot of factors that make each individual's life from never exactly the same to completely different from another individual. Also, it can be erroneous to judge that the school is bad right away; perhaps, it is me that is bad and not suitable for the school. It should stop where it should stop in this context: "I didn't learn anything valuable during high school" (well, to be honest, there is one: my habit of studying; but honestly, it also has a bad side). And what psychology has taught me is to realize all of this.

Nevertheless, the illustration of my life as I presented above is only one case from so many cases on which I apply what psychology has taught me. It has provided me with so many insights other than the reason why I was comfortable learning it from the start; from matters of relationships to matters of achievement. I guess what I am trying to say is that applying what I have learned in the faculty of psychology helps me to understand my own issues, and eventually, other people's issues as well. Although I believe that there are still a lot of things in this life that I could not explain yet, life has never felt so clear for me until now. Learning and understanding something has become a lot easier, though not necessarily faster. Finally, the most important thing is that because I get to know about myself and my own issues, I feel more capable in making decisions for myself, and because of that ultimately, I am also more able to take responsibilities for those decisions too.

From what I have observed, people from other majors think that those who chose psychology as their major in the university become freaks (of course, this does not apply to all). Personally, considering myself to be a 'freak' too, I think they are freaks from the beginning, and by choosing psychology they (consciously or unconsciously) think they will gain closure to their own issues. Life is never perfect for anyone, and by perfect I meant that it never goes the way we wanted it to be. Sometimes we are able to make adjustments, sometimes we can't, and we're wondering why, and finally what we should do about it. Despite the fact that this argument is merely a guess, what I think is clear is that psychology actually helps people to do that, if people put some effort to learn and understand the materials. Of course, I am far away from having a complete understanding of it, but I can say that it is quite obvious it has helped me - a lot. 

I also noticed that being part of the social science that is often popularized through self-help books and magazines or simply considered close to daily lives, and therefore easy to learn, I found some people look down on psychology (and also people who are studying it). Despite the fact that looking down on others being considered an ignorant and childish act by yours truly, I think these people didn't realize how much effort these popular books' writers gave to finally come to the list of prescriptions and how-to's delivered in their work. Behind every prescription there is supposed to be an underlying argumentation  and building up an argumentation is not an easy task. With the increasing level of education people have, they will start to challenge ideas other people presented; questioning them and criticizing them. Psychology make arguments about people as its object of study, and heaven knows how complicated men are and can be. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that we should undermine the value of common sense and intuition in dealing and judging people, but while not everyone has a good intuition, intuition in itself does not provide a complete information. That is why there is a systematic study about people as individuals called psychology.

It has been my whole point to demonstrate that I have gained a lot of benefits from my experience studying psychology and I am thankful, if not proud for that. Honestly, despite the fact that it is the only major I chose while I was applying for college and I chose it out of the blue, it turns out it is exactly as what I needed. For this I would also like to give thanks to my Lord who has led me to this path. No matter confusing the choices I have for my life ahead regarding what a psychology undergraduate can/should do, I am glad I am a psychology undergraduate.